mastering the quiet courage to listen
A man who is mistrustful and self-centered finds it difficult to truly listen. His mind is filled with his own fears, judgments, and emotions. When someone—perhaps a woman close to him—tries to share her feelings, he does not really hear her. Instead, he listens through the filter of his own insecurities and preoccupations. He reacts not to her words but to his own inner noise—his defensiveness, his pride, his need to be right or in control. Rather than receiving what she is trying to communicate, he responds with “Yes, but…” and turns the conversation back toward himself.
True listening requires an open mind and a quiet heart. It asks us to suspend our ego—the constant commentary in our heads—and simply receive the other person’s experience as it is. This kind of listening is not passive; it is an act of love and humility. It means being fully present, without judgment or agenda, allowing the other person’s truth to exist alongside our own.
As Shunryu Suzuki advised, “You should not have your own idea when you listen to someone… To have nothing in your mind is naturalness. Then you will understand what he says.” When our minds are uncluttered by the need to control, fix, or defend, we make space for genuine understanding to arise.
True learning, like true intimacy, grows from this space of openness. When we detach from our ego and its endless demands for validation or control, we begin to hear others clearly—and in doing so, we begin to know ourselves more deeply. Listening becomes a spiritual practice, a way to transcend self-centeredness and participate in something larger than ourselves: human connection.
We men must remember that our growth does not come from asserting ourselves, but from releasing ourselves—from letting go of the impulse to dominate the conversation or guard our pride. When we set aside our self-centeredness and open our minds, we do not lose power; we gain wisdom. We grow not smaller, but larger—large enough to truly understand and love another person.
